The Unlimited Birthday Ficlet Post!
by lifelesslyndsey
Summary: Birthday ficlets for my friends! They want it, I write it. More to come! Rated M for the possibility of swearing, foolery, f*ckery, adult things, crack, slash, and maybe some cuddlec*cking. You never know.
1. Chapter 1

Will It Fit Chapter 1/1

Author: Lifelesslyndsey

Category: Twilight

Pairing: Jasper x Emmet

Summary: Jasper and Emmet share a moment in domesticity. Can they rise to, and over come the obstacles in there way? Shameless crack-smut birthday drabble for my girl.

A/N Happy Missus Flannigan. You've got Emmet. You've got Jasper. And they're both human, just saying. Hope you like!

Rating: Mature audiances only for swearing and questionable content.

Word Count: 399

Oh and this crack isn't beta'd

**xXxXxXx **

Emmett stared for a moment, a little apprehensive. After all, this was the first time he'd done anything like this. He'd admit it was a delicate situation, and he wasn't exactly a delicate individual. "Are you sure it's going to fit?" He asked, taking his tool in hand.

"Yes!" Jasper groaned, his impatience obvious. He'd been waiting all day for this, and Emmet was going to start asking questions now? "It will fit, I swear, I've done this before. It's not like it's that big anyways."

"Hey!"

"Fine, it's huge. It's the biggest I've ever fucking seen, I doubt I could handle any bigger. But if you don't fucking get on with it...oh _finally_!"

"Yeah well if you'd shut up, I'd be able to concentrate." Emmet groaned, slamming forward with a grunt. Jasper flinched slightly, his hands slipping. Taking initiative, Emmett grasped him by the shoulder, adjusting the angle a bit. "Hows that?" He groaned, his hands shaking with restraint.

"Yeah, right...no, no, no! Left! Left!_ Fuck_, yes. Right there, god right there, _nailed_ it. Again, again! You can't...don't leave me hanging! Fuck! Don't stop, come on, come on, almost. Almost! Yes! Perfect! Perfect, right _fucking_ there."

"Take it, take it," Emmet said roughly, his grip slipping. "Fuck, Jasper,_ take it_, you fucking bitch!"

"Oh shit!" Jasper growled loudly. "Fuck, Emmet, Jesus!"

"Are you alway this loud?" Emmett asked, slamming in once more. Jasper trembled, hands slipping, slick with sweat. "Dude! Hold on!"

"I'm holding, just..fuck, do it already, I'm not gonna last like this." Jasper pleaded, his whole body shivering beneath the weight.

"Fuck, fuck," Emmett grunted, "Almost, oh God, yeah this is it. This is it."

"Hold on, just...fuck yes, right there!" Jasper replied, gritting his teeth.

"Yes!" They both cried out suddenly, their sweat soaked bodies relaxing. Huffing out a harsh breath, Emmet tossed Jasper a beer from the cooler.

"Bitch," Jasper muttered. "This is the last time I'm helping you move in anywhere."

Emmet just grinned, tossing the hammer on the couch. "How would I know hanging a TV could be so hard?"

"You almost fucking dropped it!" Jasper bitched. "And it took you forever to get it angled right. It isn't even straight."

"Well it ain't the only thing in this house that isn't straight," Emmet said with a leer.

"Ass hole." Jasper muttered, as he dropped his pants.


	2. Stage Presence for exhilaratingexistence

**This birthday fic is for exhilaratingexistence , who did not make it easy! Thanks for the challenge, it ended up more fun then I expected! Jasper, and Sarah (OC). Her three words were Cum-dumpster, Love and Tractor. Yeah. I have no words for what this ended up as.**

He was in love with the dark, smokey room where every pair of eyes were trained on him. It was a different kind of living here, where he felt above them, better than them if only for a moment. The music played, humming against his skin; a twangy country song about sexy tractors and finding your girl. Jasper sang, a smile curling his mouth, shaking blonde curls from his face.

Glitter clung to his skin, tiny blue and silver stars, sparkling in the stage light. The show girls were always covered in the shit, always bitching about scrubbing it off, but Jasper didn't mind. Those stars reminded him of Texas.

He chuckled at the sound of a bra hitting the stage floor, careful to step over a pair of matching panties as he worked the stage, singing his heart out. There were whistles and cat calls alike, giving him a little power rush as he batted his dark lashes, and blew kisses to the whiskey soaked crowed. Not that they were the cream of the crop, but the tips were good, and they didn't hassle him. Not like some of the girls at the bar, Jasper recalled; dirty little cum-dumpsters turning tricks. No respect.

Jasper licked his lips, slow and sexy as he wrapped up the song with a shake of his ass. There were cheers and whistles, and a shower of fivers falling like leaves onto the stage. Daddy C stepped out from behind the curtain, hooking his arm around Jaspers naked waist. "Give it up to the house favorite, our girl Sarah Sparkles singing 'She Thinks My Tractors Sexy'. Another show for the tranny spank-bank, I'm sure!" He called out, slapping Jasper on the ass as he bent over to pick his panties.

-End.

**Tranny Jasper amuses me. **


	3. Awkward Seduction for Clurra

** Birthday story for my girl Clurra. She picked Jasper/Maria, lasso, tequilla, and mescaline. Not gonna lie. This story almost threw me. Hope you like! Happy birthday Clurra! **

** The Awkward Seduction of Jasper Whitlock**

"Is that a lasso in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me, _cara mia_?" Maria asked, giving Jasper a coy, dark-eyed look.

The cougar at the end of the bar stared at him through heavy eye make up, her aging breasts held up by hope and a wonder bra beneath her tiny leopard print top. "Um. Why would I have lasso in my pocket?" Jasper asked in kind, his expression truly baffled. He moved down the bar,"What can I get you to drink, ma'am?"

With a pout, Maria huffed, her blood-red crimson nails tapping against the bartop. "Tequila. Just bring the bottle." She stared at him for a moment, intense and calculating. A young, dumb blonde. Just the way she liked them."The good stuff." If she had to, she'd just ply the boy with drinks.

Nodding shyly, Jasper pulled a nearly new bottle of Patron from the shelf, setting it on the counter with clink. He slid a clean shot glass across the polished bar-top with a nervous grin. "Is there anything else you need? Anything I can do for you?"

Ignoring the obviously inadvertent innuendo, Maria pressed on, twisting of the top of the bottle with an easy flourish. "Are you new around town? Haven't seen you around these parts. Not exactly the best of places for good Southern boys like yourself. Pretty little thing like yourself could end up in a world of trouble."

Pick up line #2 was met with a modest nod, and honest answer, much to her chagrin."M'working here over the summer." Jasper explained awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot and toying with a corner of a tattered bar rag. "My Uncle Carlisle owns the bar."

"Oh, _cariño._ College boy then?" Maria inquired, leaning forward, her long fingers wrapped around the smooth bottle, thumbing the rim. _Mierda_, but the boy was a baby. She poured a shot, sliding it back towards him in silent challenge.

Jasper swallowed nervously, eyes darting to where the woman was...molesting the bottle, and to shot. He wasn't a kid, dammit. "I'm...um. I'm nineteen." He grabbed the shot, tossing it back with a poorly disguised grimace.

"_Se todavía mi corazón!_" She exclaimed, clutching the bottle to her chest. "So young, so _fresh_; new to the ways of the world. What you need is an older woman, some one to usher you into adulthood. So many things I could teach you, sweet child," She purred, licking up the neck of the bottle in an excessivly lewed fashion, her red-stained mouth leaving a smear of lipstick where it wrapped around the bottle opening.

Color rose in his cheeks and Maria smiled. Pick up line 3# may have been blunt, but it was effective."Um...I don't think..." His stomach lurched, and he frowned, splaying his hands across the bartop to steady himself.

The cougar reached out, her dry palm pressing against the top of his hand as she batted her false eyelashes in concern. "Are you unwell, _mi querido_?

"I...I think so," Jasper stuttered. "I'm...I'm okay." He stumbled backwards, bumping into the back counter. "Woah." His eyes widened, hand whipping down to cup his balls. "Oh shit."

The cougar rose from her seat, stepping around the counter with a feline smirk. "Whats wrong, _cara mia_?"

"My balls itch!" He blurted, face flushing. "I mean...sorry. I..._fuck_." The itch spread, fading from a tingle to pins-and-needles, like the re-awakening of a sleeping limp.

Maria wrapped her hand around his arm, pulling him downwards. "Perhaps I should take a look?" She asked, but Jasper hardly understood her through the...why was he getting _hard_? His dick perked up, even through the tiny, stabbing pains in his balls, and he was far too gone to fight the cougars hands away as she unbuttoned his jeans.

"I...what?" He murmured through a haze of pain and something else. "Wait...what?" Something wasn't right here, _ouch! _

"Mmm, Jasper," She purred. She smoothed her hands up his legs, warm and dry and feeling like...is that...is that _terry cloth_? "Jasper, oh _Jasper._"

xXx

"Jasper!" Peter snapped, slapping him across the face. "Jasper, wake the fuck up!"

"Maria?" Jasper slurred, looking at the upside down face of his brother Peter. "What the fuck?"

"I'd be asking the same thing," Peter said, his insufferable smirk already etched across his face. "but I'm not the one who woke up in the linen closet fucking a cactus. Seriously dude, that was a wedding present." Giving the cactus one last look, Peter laughed. "Mescaline's one hell of a drug."

-End.

**Note: Cactus fucking wasn't actually part of her birthday plot, and I have no idea how I even came up with it.**


End file.
